I've been trying to write a post for the better part of a week. I've tried on several ideas for how to explain how things went down, make jokes, or hell even just copy paste from Tag's red tape blog.
But every time I sit down to write, someone shows up. Or someone drags me off to get laid.
Or hell, even drugs me. More on that later.
The long and short of it is a very confusing and heartwrenching encounter happened with an old friend of mine. David Banks. The guy who kidnapped and raped me years ago, to prevent someone else from doing the same but leaving me for dead. Lesser of two evils, I suppose.
I've had Stockholm's Syndrome so many times in my life alone, not even including all the times the other timelines of myself have, that I don't trust love. I don't trust the warm and fuzzy feelings.
In my world, all it means is that you're weak to the will of another.
That you're willing to forgive more than you should, a victim to your brain's dumping ground of various feel good hormones and chemicals, endorphins running rampant in an attempt to get you to mate and breed.
Very rarely in any of my timelines does a Dia get a happily ever after.
Typically, the happier any of us become, the more excruciating the events are that follow. Tried and true.
Some of us have had children. Those are dead now, of course. Because those brought us hope.
Somewhere around the time I made the deal with the Bleeding Tree, I made the mistake of rebelling again against the Fears. Got cocky and thought that I could take them head on in "covert" ways.
I tried researching ways to kill them. All over the globe, from snake oil peddlers to renowned scientists to mages that acted like they had a stick up their collective asses. And I actually began to get somewhere.
They decided to punish me in the most fucked up ways imaginable:
They killed the living children across the timelines in one fell swoop, and removed my ability to bear children.
The Hollow Man himself came for me that year for the first time.
His shadows that I had grown so accustomed to attacked me for the first time.
They left me on the ground once they were done, reproductive internal organs literally ripped from me.
Bleeding out, ragged chunks of flesh falling as I attempted to stand.
It was then I realized They wouldn't let me die.
Let me be clear: *I*, Jack, fucked up and got all those kids killed. Ruined their mothers' lives.
So I got punished the worst.
Most people believe immortality is a blessing, something to be chased after.
Immortality is BULLSHIT if you don't have invulnerability.
It took me months to heal from the injuries, infections, and complications of my missing organs.
You know who may be the Hollow Man.. but he deliberately left pieces of me hollow as well.
I say these things to impress upon you all a very important truth:
I am a fuck up. I am not a savior. I am not the heroine. I am not the damsel in distress.
This is not the plot to some penny and dime paperback.
I am the fucking dragon at the top of the castle, fucking up everyone that comes near.
I finally established a 'castle' of sorts of my own, and Lilith fucking played "swapsies" with me.
Now I'm stuck in a recreation of our childhood home in No Man's Land, the Convocation's domain.
Well. I suppose I should say Lilith's land, since she's been its host for the last five years.
Smack dab in the fucking middle of the Fears' domain, Underland. (Yes, Alice mispronounced it).
Which all comes full circle back to my visitors. Of which I have had several.
Some, have requested I not publish the details of our interactions.
Others.. *coughAdvocatecough* get off on the publicity and attention.
I'll admit, I gave David a hard time. I was stoned and sad and trying not to break down into tears. Which, of course, translates into my acting like a rude fucking bitch, because that's all I apparently know how to do.
He showed up just as I was trying to get a radio transmission signal out, seeing if I could take advantage of the Fears' apparent manipulation of technology (which we gleefully dub 'evil cell reception.')
Turns out he wasn't the David I had known. He was the David that originally met Lilith, and fractured her mind to the point where all it took to break her completely after that was one little tap.. from Gallows.
Stupid little ol' me, I of course can't help but remember every moment of our lives together.
Did y'all know in one timeline he didn't rape me at all, just kidnapped me to talk?
Heh. We got married in that one. We were still fucked up, but we were happy.
We also didn't survive long.
So, as far as my memories are concerned, I have met with.. 3 exhusbands this week?
With varying degrees of success, failure, and absolute mindfuckery?
David and I fought. And argued. And ran circles around each other.
Me, wanting desperately for him to just apply his fizzle magic and leave, him wanting answers.
We both got what we wanted in the end.. sort of.
I have the feeling this David will never be able to help me find closure on the others.
Which, truthfully, isn't his fault. In his life and his eyes, he helped the Dias.
He doesn't know any better, and even if I could share the memories.. I don't think I would.
I eventually broke down and gave David the answers he wanted, and he surprised me.
He was the first in my timelines to actually.. offer to stay. On purpose. Without coercion.
It probably took me a full fifteen minutes of having both Tag and David explain it to me for me to realize.. David had changed designations. He offered to take up residence with me. At No Man's Land.
Of course, he wanders. The land surrounding my home, the perimeters, even Underland.
I know already the things he has seen, but maybe one day he will be willing to share his stories.
It's nice.. having someone want to be my friend without any malicious ulterior motive.
To have someone try to keep me safe for no reason other than boredom and actually caring.
It's been years, in fact. The last person that did would have to be.. Shady.
A woman of many talents and secrets that, through exceedingly strange circumstances, became my best friend. She kept me alive on many an occasions, in every timeline, even the one she killed me in.
She was the one I trusted the most. The one I loved like a sister.
In my timeline, she died and disappeared. In Lilith's, well.. Lilith pulled a very fucked up prank.
I can't blame her, though. Wanting to see Shady one more time. To prove to herself she was alive.
To watch her breathing and know.. she was real. Even when we didn't feel that way any more.
Ya know, in a fucked up way, I kinda feel like I've come full circle here, on Lilith's old blog.
She took my blog, I took hers, and here I am posting long rambly posts about my feelings.
I think Lilith infected the blog with her damn do gooder vibes, way back in the day.
Give me my angry, angsty, fucked up vibes any day. These hurt to emote, let alone process.
I have a few more events to catch you all up on for this first week of the Culling, but I'm beginning to feel well and truly tired again, so I have no idea when each post will go up. Which, in itself, is kind of strange.
Something I did, or took, or was around in the last few days gave me back my ability to sleep.
Which, unfortunately, comes with the added consequence of actually needing to do so.
I'll catch you guys in the next post. Leave a comment if you're bored. Or not.
It's hard to really care these days.
But every time I sit down to write, someone shows up. Or someone drags me off to get laid.
Or hell, even drugs me. More on that later.
The long and short of it is a very confusing and heartwrenching encounter happened with an old friend of mine. David Banks. The guy who kidnapped and raped me years ago, to prevent someone else from doing the same but leaving me for dead. Lesser of two evils, I suppose.
I've had Stockholm's Syndrome so many times in my life alone, not even including all the times the other timelines of myself have, that I don't trust love. I don't trust the warm and fuzzy feelings.
In my world, all it means is that you're weak to the will of another.
That you're willing to forgive more than you should, a victim to your brain's dumping ground of various feel good hormones and chemicals, endorphins running rampant in an attempt to get you to mate and breed.
Very rarely in any of my timelines does a Dia get a happily ever after.
Typically, the happier any of us become, the more excruciating the events are that follow. Tried and true.
Some of us have had children. Those are dead now, of course. Because those brought us hope.
Somewhere around the time I made the deal with the Bleeding Tree, I made the mistake of rebelling again against the Fears. Got cocky and thought that I could take them head on in "covert" ways.
I tried researching ways to kill them. All over the globe, from snake oil peddlers to renowned scientists to mages that acted like they had a stick up their collective asses. And I actually began to get somewhere.
They decided to punish me in the most fucked up ways imaginable:
They killed the living children across the timelines in one fell swoop, and removed my ability to bear children.
The Hollow Man himself came for me that year for the first time.
His shadows that I had grown so accustomed to attacked me for the first time.
They left me on the ground once they were done, reproductive internal organs literally ripped from me.
Bleeding out, ragged chunks of flesh falling as I attempted to stand.
It was then I realized They wouldn't let me die.
Let me be clear: *I*, Jack, fucked up and got all those kids killed. Ruined their mothers' lives.
So I got punished the worst.
Most people believe immortality is a blessing, something to be chased after.
Immortality is BULLSHIT if you don't have invulnerability.
It took me months to heal from the injuries, infections, and complications of my missing organs.
You know who may be the Hollow Man.. but he deliberately left pieces of me hollow as well.
I say these things to impress upon you all a very important truth:
I am a fuck up. I am not a savior. I am not the heroine. I am not the damsel in distress.
This is not the plot to some penny and dime paperback.
I am the fucking dragon at the top of the castle, fucking up everyone that comes near.
I finally established a 'castle' of sorts of my own, and Lilith fucking played "swapsies" with me.
Now I'm stuck in a recreation of our childhood home in No Man's Land, the Convocation's domain.
Well. I suppose I should say Lilith's land, since she's been its host for the last five years.
Smack dab in the fucking middle of the Fears' domain, Underland. (Yes, Alice mispronounced it).
Which all comes full circle back to my visitors. Of which I have had several.
Some, have requested I not publish the details of our interactions.
Others.. *coughAdvocatecough* get off on the publicity and attention.
I'll admit, I gave David a hard time. I was stoned and sad and trying not to break down into tears. Which, of course, translates into my acting like a rude fucking bitch, because that's all I apparently know how to do.
He showed up just as I was trying to get a radio transmission signal out, seeing if I could take advantage of the Fears' apparent manipulation of technology (which we gleefully dub 'evil cell reception.')
Turns out he wasn't the David I had known. He was the David that originally met Lilith, and fractured her mind to the point where all it took to break her completely after that was one little tap.. from Gallows.
Stupid little ol' me, I of course can't help but remember every moment of our lives together.
Did y'all know in one timeline he didn't rape me at all, just kidnapped me to talk?
Heh. We got married in that one. We were still fucked up, but we were happy.
We also didn't survive long.
So, as far as my memories are concerned, I have met with.. 3 exhusbands this week?
With varying degrees of success, failure, and absolute mindfuckery?
David and I fought. And argued. And ran circles around each other.
Me, wanting desperately for him to just apply his fizzle magic and leave, him wanting answers.
We both got what we wanted in the end.. sort of.
I have the feeling this David will never be able to help me find closure on the others.
Which, truthfully, isn't his fault. In his life and his eyes, he helped the Dias.
He doesn't know any better, and even if I could share the memories.. I don't think I would.
I eventually broke down and gave David the answers he wanted, and he surprised me.
He was the first in my timelines to actually.. offer to stay. On purpose. Without coercion.
It probably took me a full fifteen minutes of having both Tag and David explain it to me for me to realize.. David had changed designations. He offered to take up residence with me. At No Man's Land.
Of course, he wanders. The land surrounding my home, the perimeters, even Underland.
I know already the things he has seen, but maybe one day he will be willing to share his stories.
It's nice.. having someone want to be my friend without any malicious ulterior motive.
To have someone try to keep me safe for no reason other than boredom and actually caring.
It's been years, in fact. The last person that did would have to be.. Shady.
A woman of many talents and secrets that, through exceedingly strange circumstances, became my best friend. She kept me alive on many an occasions, in every timeline, even the one she killed me in.
She was the one I trusted the most. The one I loved like a sister.
In my timeline, she died and disappeared. In Lilith's, well.. Lilith pulled a very fucked up prank.
I can't blame her, though. Wanting to see Shady one more time. To prove to herself she was alive.
To watch her breathing and know.. she was real. Even when we didn't feel that way any more.
Ya know, in a fucked up way, I kinda feel like I've come full circle here, on Lilith's old blog.
She took my blog, I took hers, and here I am posting long rambly posts about my feelings.
I think Lilith infected the blog with her damn do gooder vibes, way back in the day.
Give me my angry, angsty, fucked up vibes any day. These hurt to emote, let alone process.
I have a few more events to catch you all up on for this first week of the Culling, but I'm beginning to feel well and truly tired again, so I have no idea when each post will go up. Which, in itself, is kind of strange.
Something I did, or took, or was around in the last few days gave me back my ability to sleep.
Which, unfortunately, comes with the added consequence of actually needing to do so.
I'll catch you guys in the next post. Leave a comment if you're bored. Or not.
It's hard to really care these days.
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